One of the ideals many people aspire to is becoming a ‘great communicator.’ The truth, however, is that very few of us truly are.
Why is that?
I believe a ‘great communicator’ is someone who can convey an accurate picture of their emotional and psychological life to another person, particularly by articulating the darkest, trickiest, and most awkward aspects in a way that others can understand and even sympathize with.
I realise this sounds daunting, which may explain why many of us are not such great communicators—we simply do not want to expose ourselves in that way.
Make no mistake: When we don’t communicate a message effectively, we still manage to get our points across, but often in toxic ways. As the saying goes, “If we can’t talk it out, we act it out.”
When someone recently asked why we are not all great communicators, I shared three important reasons:
1. **No Good Role Models**
We learn to communicate by listening to others. We especially learn to discuss tricky topics by observing how others navigate those conversations with elegance and kindness. Sadly, most of us did not grow up surrounded by ‘good communicators.’
Additionally, there is a more dangerous possibility: what if our role model was a parent who loved us fiercely but expected us to behave in a certain way? They could not tolerate disappointment, and it became our job to preserve their sense of integrity. Consequently, we learned that expressing parts of our personality that didn’t align with their expectations could hurt them, establishing a harmful precedent.
2. **Can You Be ‘Bad’ and ‘Good’?**
In an ideal upbringing, those who love us would be able to accept all aspects of our personality without demanding that everything about us be ‘good.’ They would tolerate moments when we could be selfish, angry, lazy, closed-minded, or mean, and still accept us.
Unfortunately, most of us come from backgrounds that fall short of this ideal.
We fear that losing our temper will reveal us as aggressive, confessing laziness will label us as layabouts, or expressing worries about work will trigger panic regarding our abilities.
Our tendency to assume others will judge us is a major barrier to effective communication. Shame robs us of the ability to express ourselves sensibly and plausibly, leading us to hide our failings. We feel that the only way to protect ourselves and maintain our dignity is to remain silent.
3. **I Can’t Do It**
It’s no surprise that we sometimes feel communication will never yield positive results. Looking back on my own life, I have experienced many failures in attempts to express myself to colleagues, friends, or partners.
As a result, we often give up.
However, there is hope: this fear is based on a false assumption—that we can't learn to communicate better about what is happening within us.
Just because past attempts didn’t work out doesn’t mean we can’t improve. We simply need to train ourselves to accept our darker sides, reduce our fears, present ourselves calmly, and avoid self-loathing.
Only through this process can we become great communicators after all.